Mother Knows Best

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Dharma First Aid Kit - 17 minutes to get you back on track!

Meditation On Death by Tsem Tulku Rinpoche:

Virtually everything around us creates the impression in our mind that we are somehow always going to be here.  And when consumer capitalism is not distracting us from the fact that we are all going to face Death one day soon, our culture tells us that it is taboo to think and talk about Death, as if just by merely thinking about it, it comes quicker. So we never really think about that one subject matter which if we did, will certainly influence the way we live.

The truth throws some heavy punches in this video. This is the "go to" video if you need a sobering up. A dharma first aid kit. It is 17 minutes of training that fine-tunes what I fear in death, and equilibrates with the courage from knowing what to do while I am still alive.

The first time I meditated on my own death per Rinpoche's video instructions, I could not complete it. I got as far as the part when I could not see, I could not move my tongue, I could not even make a sound and I could not move. The finality of everything I take for granted was overwhelming.

But what is more frightening is the realization that in death, I am still conscious of everything that is going on around me, although I am not able to do anything in response. If I had lived carelessly, it was partly because of an unsaid assumption that when I die, everything just “ends”. Blackout. It has never occurred to me that one day I will actually experience death. In my mind death is something that will happen to me, not something I will have to endure, fully conscious.

That means although I am dead, my consciousness is still very much alive and is now forced to deal with the unpleasantness that comes with death e.g.pain, regret, sorrow, anger, fear…and all this even before I worry about what happens next now that I know death isn’t the end. I am not prepared for this.

Next, I suddenly became aware that a portentous force is heading towards me and I know it will determine what happens to me next. Karma is coming home to roost now. I try to do a quick calculation of my karmic balance sheet to get a gauge of where I might end up, and of course I can't because I never really looked at the karma ledger when I was alive. And so I don't know what to expect. Or worse, I do know what to expect but it's too late to correct all the mistakes now. I thought I was going to have time.

Whenever I came out of this meditation, I am relieved (even now I smell the soil that will bury me or I choke on the fumes of the fire that burn me) and worried at the same time. This visualization on the passage of death is not entirely a pretend thing because it will happen. We will die. And even if we do the meditation half well but honestly, we will know that we are not ready for death. It scares us. 

Experiencing that fear makes us think of karma differently. No more a mere concept but something real. It is only via meditation on death can we know what it is to have dharma. It is the difference between falling into the angry sea, (being blind, mute and not having any limbs) but with or without a life jacket. Either way, we are in the sea i.e. we are dead. With dharma, we have a chance of passing through the “great exam” of death and reassuming an acceptable life.

It is clear that even as we enjoy life, we should prepare for death. And there is only one way to prepare for death, that is, to know the right state of mind to be in when we realize we are dead. Only the dharma teaches that.

The idea of dharma is simple enough and yet it is very difficult to practice "Selflessness" while still carrying the 'Me' along in the practice. And because some of us are so ill equipped to deal with realities, sometime a spiritual practice can be, in truth, an ego trip in disguise. I, for one, struggle daily to catch myself and try and reconcile my worldly life and my spiritual life.

And then I remember. It is only when I was involved in dharma work when I experienced the seamlessness between the mundane and the spiritual. Only in dharma work is there no separation in the essence of the experience between, for instance, doing a puja and having a good time with friends over dinner. Only in dharma work is there that great connect...the thing that brings it all together. The thing that make spirituality part of every action and thought, worldly or religious...naturally. Whereas outside dharma work, the worldly self keeps pitching thoughts against the spiritual self and vice versa. 

In dharma work, you practice without being conscious of the effort you are making to practice. I guess that makes the practice real and effective which is crucial because really, we don't have that much time left.


Still, in a few hours a new day will be before me, and it comes with another opportunity to get ready. Come to think about it, what prepares me for death also gives me a more enjoyable live. Funny how I never thought of it that way before.

Groundless-ness

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Love's Fool ~ A Poem By Chogyam Trungpa

Love.
What is love?
What is love.
Love is a fading memory.
Love is piercingly present.
Love is full of charm.
Love is hideously in the way.
Explosion of love makes you feel ecstatic.
Explosion of love makes you feel suicidal.
Love brings goodliness and godliness.
Love brings celestial vision.
Love creates the unity of heaven and earth.
Love tears apart heaven and earth.
Is love sympathy.
Is love gentleness.
Is love possessiveness.
Is love sexuality.
Is love friendship.
Who knows?
Maybe the rock knows,
Sitting diligently on earth,
Not flinching from cold snowstorms or baking heat.
O rock,
How much I love you:
You are the only loveable one.
Would you let me grow a little flower of love on you?
If you don’t mind,
Maybe I could grow a pine tree on you.
If you are so generous,
Maybe I could build a house on you.
If you are fantastically generous,
Maybe I could eat you up,
Or move you to my landscape garden.
It is nice to be friends with a rock!

From Timely Rain: Selected Poetry of Chögyam Trungpa. Written July 1975

The Truth About Lies

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Forgive Me Not

[Forgive Me Not] Photo by Tod Limle 

Tsem Tulku Rinpoche wrote in his blog: “What is incredible is how much we have to forgive some people sometimes. But our forgiveness rarely transforms their mind or helps them to be different. Whatever has been ingrained in them from earlier days in their childhood leaves such a strong mark as they choose to hold on to their experiences and make it 'real' and re-live it over and over under all circumstances to the detriment of themselves and those who care. That is the real samsara within the mind. All originates from the mind”. [www.blog.tsemtulku.com]

Sadly, for a lot of people, especially me, those statements hold true.

I cannot describe the person I used to be but I can't have been good to have around. Selfish twit, does come to mind. I had very fixed ideas of how my world should be, how my friends should treat me, and how life should just roll out the way I had expected it. I became angry, very angry when things didn’t go my way. I had my reasons, excuses and justifications lined up in defense. I did not think of myself as being horribly selfish or a bad person and that was how I have tricked my mind into thinking that I was merely a good guy who has been dealt with a rotten hand to play with. In short, the “rest of the world” was always wrong.

Trapped in the kind of mentality, I “suffered” tremendously. Things were always "not right", and I reacted badly.

Friends forgave me time and time again for my transgressions. Because of their kindness, they could not bear to see me suffer for the wrongs I did. Plus, we live in a society where "nice" people are supposed to forgive. Between friends’ forgiveness and expensive therapy (which did more harm than good because it gave another name to my selfishness and referred to it as a “condition” which provided a bad attitude with undue validation), the pain of remorse was always alleviated and so the suffering never got to a level where it becomes so intense that it triggers a change.

Forgiveness always let me off the hook.

So often, as soon as I am done with my latest gig and express some regret, I expected to be forgiven.

People who forgive mean well. However, forgiveness is often mistaken to be an absolution of our sins and wrongdoings, a full pardon for our mistakes, and a release from karma's effect. The moment we are forgiven for a wrongdoing we erase it out of our minds. But now that I have more time to reflect, I don't think karma works like that. Karma cannot release us even if friends verbally forgive us. In thinking that, as long as we have been forgiven we are alright, we deny ourselves the full works of the pain of penitence which may be necessary for the taking of appropriate remedies.

I am probably a hard-core case and perhaps some people like me have to suffer the full consequences of my selfish ways to an extreme level before I am jolted to wake up to myself.


But suffer how? This is an interesting one and it is only when we closely dissect the "Suffering" do we then know who we truly are. Suffering a guilt can be due to the loss "I" experience as the result of my misdeed. You see how the "I" sneaks its way into prominence even when we feel remorse? As I discovered, we have to get past this venal sorrow before we can start to repair. We need to identify this sorrow as yet another expression of our mercenary-minded self, to be able to deal with it. As long as we refuse to own this guilt, we cannot deal with it. We can only fix what is wrong with ourselves, not something external to ourselves.


After that, we may suffer the pain of true remorse when we realize what we have done in harm. How we have hurt the people who have loved us in spite of ourselves. We feel their disappointment and their pain. The suffering part comes when you so badly want to take away their pain...and you can't. The pain is most intense when you realize what these people mean to you, how dear they are to you and how they defined the best you have been...and how you have repaid them with wickedness instead. I wonder of this is how people feel when they die with deep regrets?


Running closely alongside this remorse is a grave and stark realization that you, who have always thought of yourself as being a fairly good guy, is in fact filth on legs. This is a tough one and every fibre of your selfish mind rejects this very notion and tells you to get angry instead. Just get angry...at anything and anyone. As usual you mind attacks when it is threatened. 


But you got to accept and get past this too. For me this was the toughest and it brought my unfailing self-confidence to its knees and since the said self-confidence has always been the engine for thoughts, opinions and activity...this lead to a total melt-down.


And in that state I stayed for some time. A mute witness to my own disgusting putrefaction.


The torment intensifies each day until you are bare. Nothing to turn to and nothing to hang on to...except for the Guru's teachings. You eventually find that they provide a way.

And that way is to go deep into my mind as I have been taught before. And after burrowing though all the superficialities and after my mind was done bombarding thoughts with more thoughts, I accepted suffering for it is. I accepted my mind’s suffering as the result of my greed. I accepted that my mind continues to suffer because it is still hoping and expecting to be forgiven, because it cannot handle not being released from the harm it has caused loved ones. 


I accepted that even if I manage to master harmless-ness, there will be people who will do me harm. And here it is good to remember a teaching of the Guru who instructs that anything that happens to us, is not done by others to us. It is always between our karma and us, and so let's not get at the person doing the harm. 

Without the means to escape I find some vindication for the pain. I tell myself that if I cannot escape this pain and suffering, then I will happily take it on and hope that in my suffering, some other people in similar positions need not suffer as much. This doesn’t make the pain go away but there is now some purpose to the pain I feel.

The point is, I wonder if I could have come this far in my self-examination if I had continued to receive forgiveness and grace from all around me. Actually I know that I won’t. It would have just been another hurdle that I managed to hop over, rather than a wall that I ran into that won't let me pass until I am pushed to a critical point, that point being a decision to change. That decision was also a decision to abandon my self-cherishing ways.

For me, it had to hurt so badly and I had to be pushed to the brink. I don't know yet where the brink but I know that I have had to rewire all my emotional instincts to survive thus far.

At this stage, I do not know how the story ends. I know the sufferings of all sentient beings end when they no longer end up in Samsara. As to how one ends suffering while being alive on this earth is beyond me still.

I can only share, that even as sufferings occur, they need not over-power our extremely considerable mind. I am sure there is some level of pain e.g. the likes of which we may feel in Hell that could do that, but it is not the suffering we feel now. If it feels like pain, it is the pain of not getting what we want.

Just like a drug addicts feels the pain of weaning off his habit, we are feeling the pain of weaning off our own poisons – our drug is that which we demand the world to perform, supply, create and maintain, so we can we happy…for a little while.

Forgiveness of friends may take us off that weaning process too early.

Am I suffering still? Yes, there are days when I am totally suffocated by the toxic air of remorse when I experience the painful remembrance of all that was good which I have lost, the recollection of all I have done to hurt so many, the loneliness and the shame. It can even hurt physically. But I do not dwell in that sorrow for too long anymore and very quickly I tell myself, "Let's start again and remember why you are feeling this sorrow..."

The other difference is, now I use this suffering as fuel to try and be better.  I use the sorrow, pain and disgrace as a body builder would use weights, lifting it beyond what he would normally do, feeling its tear and burn and hoping to build some good muscles as it repairs.

And all the time, my mind is vigilantly trained on the following words: “"Never abandon your spiritual teacher no matter how many inner obstacles you need to overcome." ~ Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

An old friend from another faith asks me how I can be sure that what my Guru taught me is correct and true? After all, it says clearly in the Bible, that Jesus is the only way.

I know without a doubt because my Guru's teachings and words came alive in me and for the first time ever, I see myself in the proper light and without delusions. I see the harm I caused others and to myself. I know he is true because I see the good that the words compel me to do and the good the words teach me to be. I know because I feel the changes in me, and I feel the loosening grip the world has on me every time I live those words. I know because the words show me the good in me, and the potential to be more. I know because all of his teachings teach me not only to be harmless to others, but also indeed to be of benefit to all.  I know because it is his teachings that have allowed me to bear the pain and suffering and loss, and not give up. I know because despite all that is wrong with me and around me, I have never really been so at peace. Nothing else did that for me in all my years. So I know.

Perfect Love Poem~Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

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The Religion Of Love

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10 Things...

I have learned that how things are, may very simply be how we allow ourselves to perceive them. From all accounts, I have had an annus horribilis (no, that’s not a body part) and yet when I look at how my views on certain things have changed simply by being in association with a kind Guru, the past year may yet be annus mirabilis, and if the past 12 months have not been a wonderful year, it definitely has been a year of wonders.

Here are the “10 Things I Would Not Have Done Had I Not Met the Guru”, and they are changes that are here to stay.

1.              For starters, I most definitely would not have stopped eating meat. I didn’t like vegetables and greens and going vegetarian was the last thing on my mind. Until I was shown otherwise, it didn’t occur to me that I was an integral component of the machinery that directly led to the merciless abuse and torture of animals – I was the demand that fuelled the cruelty. I was shown that. And meat lost its appeal;

2.              I definitely would still be suffering from “depression” and paying good money seeking treatment.  I would probably sill be gripped by the feeling of sheer panic when I run out of pills. It would never have occurred to me that “I” am the source and supreme creator of all my woes and unhappiness. No one else. And it would never have occurred to me that depression could be cured. 

Although I am still not immune from the occasional sense of dread, instead of looking for the meds, I learned to try and catch the run-away mind and just by trying, the sense of dread dissipates. On my own, it would have been unlikely for me to realize that I can catch my mind and indeed I am not obliged to obey the monkey which is popping all kinds of things into my mind;

3.              I definitely would still be looking subconsciously at everything in life as if I am the centre of my universe, if not the centre of the entire universe.  If i think that i am the centre of my universe, it follows that the only reason to have anyone around me at all, would be due to them being (knowing or unknowing) willing accomplices to a never- ending series of subtle plots, all designed to make me feel good and happy. Otherwise, there would have been no need to have anyone around. That didn't do me much good at all.

It would not have occurred to me that people who come into my life has a purpose to be there and most bring along precious lessons if not for them to teach, then for me to realize and learn.

As time passes, I see my views change…and the seared conscience, repairs.

4.              If it weren’t for the Guru, I would not have the compassion to see the preciousness of each life in each and every stray animal I pass by daily and every single fish floating helplessly in restaurant tanks. Indeed I would not have noticed the insects that I swat, the worms that I step on and the roaches that I trap and kill. I definitely would not be blowing mantras at them. I won’t know what a mantra sounds like and I won’t any appreciation of how potent the words are;

5.              If I have never met the Guru, I would never have been able to develop a sense of compassion for people who mistreat animals and subject the poor animals to all kinds of torture. I would simply be angry and wish them ill.

6.              I would never have been able to perceive time beyond the span of a human life. I would not have thought beyond the next 12 months, let alone plan for life hereafter. With the shift in my understanding of “lifetime(s)” I change as I realize that I have way much more options beyond the usual. The kind Guru has given me depth, and width and a much greater scope in every aspect of my life, especially my thoughts and ensuing decisions.

 In other words, I don’t have to be angry when something doesn’t go my way. I don’t need to want happiness so badly all the time. I don’t have to be stuck in my usual reactions and responses to things.

7.              I would never on my own, have found that illusive bliss that exists somewhere between the feeling on the one hand, that my life is the bee’s knees and on the other hand, that my life sucks and really there’s no reason being alive for another minute. It would never have occurred to me think of the human life as being so precious and yet not to get so hung up on it.

8.              I would not have thought of living beings as being “sentient” and having “consciousness”. In fact I cannot imagine when I would ever use the word “sentient” let alone be aware of its meaning and significance. Actually, I might have gone a whole life without having used words like “quiescent”, “habituations”, “benighted”, “equanimity”, “dharma” (other than in relation to Greg) and a lot more. I might even have uttered words like “schmetterling” and “zeitgeist” more. And it is much more than just having a wider vocabulary  -  by just having those words in the fore of my mind changes the way I think and decide. They red-flag thoughts that have long influenced me, they sign-posts options I never knew existed and trigger the recollections of lessons and teachings;

9.              I would not have learned to let go. Simply relax my mind’s grip and let that bad thought slip through;

10.          I would never have been able to be truly happy and grateful merely for being alive and having this very moment. Without the Guru's influence "tomorrow" would probably be a chore rather than an opportunity.

I may never have learned to love myself. Quoting Victor Hugo  “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves”.

This is especially true when we find ourselves being loved by a Buddha.

Fellowship

In the course of a conversation with a friend today, I was asked what I thought was the most important factor when one is starting on a spiritual beginning. Without hesitation, my answer was “Fellowship”. The only reason I could answer without hesitation is because it has been on my mind for quite a bit of time.

The fellowship of dharma brothers and sisters is probably the only safe harbor that can shelter you from the storms of worldly concerns, and this is especially so at the beginning of the journey when your spiritual muscle is still frail.  Yonder, life conspires to distract you from your practice, usually by throwing in “genuinely” important things such as the mortgage repayments, the career-making assignment and the dying friend or family member, as if our own intransigent and habituated mind is not problem enough. I placed the word genuine in parenthesis simply because I suspect that what is genuine and what is real would most likely shift as we mature spiritually.

When you first get into the dharma, it is the fellowship that makes dharma FUN. At first you take it for granted till you try looking for fun things to do, which also happens to be virtuous, with people you like. It is not that easy. Outside the fellowship there is no short of fun things to do but most can hardly be considered dharmic. Most assuredly, there are not bad things per se but it is only within the fellowship that you can practice Guru Devotion and have fun doing it. In fact, just by participating in the fellowship activities, whether you realize it or not, and even as you are having fun, you are more likely than not, “carrying out activities on behalf of the Guru” and also “acting under the Guru’s instructions”. That is the genius of it.

Think of the fellowship with your friends in dharma as a powerful and yet ever so subtle process of rewiring your instincts, your priorities and your automated actions.  In your heart of hearts, you may have longed to do something worthwhile with your life but never thought it possible. Never had the courage to be different. Not daring NOT to want the material and yet transient ambitions the world calls you to submit to. In the fellowship, you see possibilities. You see your potential being lived by others and happily so.

The friendships you make and the values these friendships underscore…they change you. Think of it as re-writing your rules, which now states: “it’s hip to be good…and different” and “it’s cool to be a fool to the world”. In a world where consumer capitalism is the predominant religion, the fellowship is that underground network that shelters you from a world of delusions. It is your Zion.

When you are in that fellowship you burn with the blue flame of spiritual zest and you may be excused for thinking that you are stronger than you are. And for sure, you grow in knowledge, and in spirit and in faith. Yet it is more likely that you are basking in the collective blaze of positive karma of your fellows, which is constantly kindled by the collective merits attained by the practice of devotion, and rekindled masterfully by the Guru himself.

The absolute sacrosanctity of the fellowship is immediately felt when it is not within your immediate vicinity. It then dawns on you that what kept you ablaze in the hitherto said flame wasn’t so much from within you, but more from what was around you. On your own, you may find to your dismay that you are the least of cinder…more ash than coal…and going out faster than you would like.

Surprised By Karma

There is a cosmic phenomenon expressed in phrase as “one’s karma ripening”. Loosely defined it usually means that the seeds of our actions of the past [lives] now mature into effects which is now irreversible.

I must have planted fields of gigantic karmic seeds in the past because a couple of months ago, they blossomed into a series of events and circumstances that swallowed my life. And I mean swallowed literally, not figuratively. Almost overnight I lost friends, I lost money, I lost reputation, I lost favour, I lost acceptance, I lost court cases, I lost jobs and assignments, I lost respect, I lost my liberty and  I lost the love of my life - the only person I ever wanted to marry. With no exaggeration, I lost everything that defined me as the human being and the person that I was up to that point.  Overnight, there was no where I could go, no one I could call and no place that I could safely regard as a home. I literally did not know where and how the next meal was going to materialize.

What happened? The simple answer: Karma happened and even as you read this, your mind may be able to register what I have just said to some degree but if you are like I was, you probably cannot perceive Karma as a real and tangible thing. I couldn't before, and that was why it was never a the guiding core of all my actions and decisions.You know it is there but you don’t EXPECT it. And it is not really "real".

And so, when things happen to us, we fail to recognize it as the workings of our own karma and we react in complete surprise.

What happened to me was not “bad luck” I was not hexed. I was not hard done by. Pure and simple, my karma ripened and all the nasty negative things I did in the past came home to roost and brought friends and relatives as well.

Anyway, my world imploded.  From that point, the days rolled by so reluctantly, and it seemed like each minute lingered on just to mock me and I was well on my way to losing my mind and my will to live. I may have tried to kill myself but for the sheer lack of means. I might have driven over a cliff except for the fact that I didn’t have a car and I doubted very much that my regular taxi- guy would have cooperated in the scheme, using his cab.

Days rolled into weeks and each moment I woke up I would re-live the ordeal and the pain and then my mind would draw a blank for the remaining hours till I fell asleep again out of sheer exhaustion of not being able to figure out what had happened and what was to be done next.

But it was not all bad. You see, by the time my own self-tailored-hell started, I had previously spent a whole year within the merit field of a compassionate Guru, a Boddhisattva. And all that i gained and learned in that one year, became my allies.

You see, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have sat in teachings after teachings of a real and caring Bodhisattva and not have gained some benefits from it even if we weren’t aware of the full potency of the teachings. His voice itself does something to us.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to have participated in Dharma activities created by a Bodhisattva and not have gained some merits from it even if we didn’t participate out of pure altruism. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have read the holy words of the Buddha and not derive a lot of good from it even if we didn’t fully understand what we read.  IMPOSSIBLE! Just like it is impossible to be a fish and not get wet, impossible to be up in the green mountains and not breathe fresh air, even if the fish cannot tell sea from land, and our lungs cannot distinguish clean air from foul air.

And so the one year spent with the Guru became my life raft. I didn’t earn it. Nor did i deserve it.My only qualification was that I turned up to those teachings and events. It was all due to the Guru's immense compassion.

In the deepest and darkest depth of human despair, and with nowhere to go with everything having been annihilated, I look to the only thing left standing. The teachings of the past one year and they began to resonate. Ultimately, the only relevant questions was: “ What have you REALLY lost, my friend”?

One year in pre-school, six in primary, five in secondary school, one year of college and five years in a university. Countless trainings and self- improvement courses followed.  Then, almost 25 years running the rat race and acquiring hard-earned experiences and skills….and what did I learn? What did I accomplish? What did I own that was so precious and was now lost? Nothing!

Over the years, all I managed to do was build a life based on delusions. A life based on "wanting" and "desiring". Desire was my religion. In fact I should have created an offering prayer about it. And it would go something like this…”and in the middle, the King of my Deluded Self, the Mighty Ego and surrounded by the Iron Fence of Razor-like-Pride. In the East is my own Fear of things that I don’t know, in the West is my personal thorny tree of Greed, in the North is my  aversion to undesired things expressed as my Supreme Anger…And here is the Self Cherishing Tree, and here is the uncultivated crops that you took from your neighbor…” and so on.

As I examined my life, i saw that from the very beginning I built a life based on delusions which became a prison that I didn’t know how to get out of. And that remained my lot for the last few decades.  As I examined myself from a very different perspective, I began to understand the source of my depression, my anger and my failures.

But the beauty of life is that every disaster carries with it, its own opportunity.

The ripening of my karma completely shattered the foundation on which I have made every decision in my life. They shattered the pillars that upheld my belief systems which in turn shaped my thoughts and actions. They tore up every ceiling in this house that have long blocked the light from coming in, and suddenly the shadows that long kept me company were no more.

The ripening of my karma forced me into situations I spent my entire life to avoid. All that I was too proud to face up on my own, confronted me instead. All that I was too scared to let go, was wrenched from my grasp. The toxic air that fueled the fires of my lies and delusions were snuffed out completely. The arteries that transmitted the poisonous blood was choked and then ripped out.  I had nowhere to hide. No fellow deluded mind to collude with. No mask to wear. Nothing.

I died and yet when I opened my eyes, I live. There is no need to hide anymore because all was out in the open. It hurt a lot but it didn’t kill me. No delusions to feed and no masks to wear nor is there a need for everyone has seen the real me. No fears to protect for they have fled.  No burden of failures to carry anymore.

 There was nothing left…except for me. All of me intact, minus the rest of me which I invented over the years. Finally I am free from the bondage of my fears, my unfulfilled dreams, my insecurities, my pains…and myself.

So many times in the past I have said “if only I had the benefit of hindsight” and “if I knew then what I know now”. Well, in truth I have that opportunity now. I have this rare chance to move forward using knowledge that I have always sensed but which never made it into my mind to act on.  Things I have learned from a loving Guru, which failed to run the full gauntlet of my unholy habituations.

This "freedom" would never have happened if had to done by my own hands. I was way too weak. And yet by some miracle it did happen. It felt like a painful baptism by fire but the beautiful part of any baptism is the rising again, whole.

I was robbed of a silly life and that has made this new journey now possible. Otherwise I would have died very soon under the weight of all the burdens that were on my shoulders.

I travel light these days which is good because there is so much catching up to do. I am by myself but I am never alone. Never. And these days, I let the lessons navigate.

Karma is real. It is tangible. Expect it. Look forward to it. Never again be surprised by it.

Do You Mind?

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I sat before my notebook time and time again, and nothing came out.  There was a part of me that didn’t know “Me” and my mind anymore and there’s also a significant part of me that didn’t trust the way I have “thought” for so long.

It started with a simple question. Is my life anywhere near to the way I perceived it to be and wanted it to be 10 years or 20 years ago? For me, the answer is a flat ‘No’. In fact, it is the complete antithesis of what I had envisioned for myself.

For reasons that are beyond me now, I, like a lot of people thought that we own our mind. Do we really?  Or does our mind in fact own us and our body and faculties are merely instruments to execute the mind’s instructions.   I wouldn’t get into a taxi if I thought the driver was rash and heedless. No, I wouldn’t place my life in the hands of an irresponsible driver.

And yet, have I not placed my entire life into the hands of a very wild and uncontrolled mind. I don’t know about you, but my mind is full of defects.  That doesn’t mean I have a slow mind and that I am stupid. That would have been alright. A slow mind is slower to trip over the body over the precipice of self- delusion.  It’s worse if you have a rather quick mind that you do not have a handle on. 

You see, we have every skill, knowledge and instrument in the word to measure a person’s physical health but we do not have the slightest inkling as to how to size up the state of our mind’s health, especially when it is slightly defective. I emphasize slightly because in a lot of cases, these slight defects do not necessarily end up with us carving swastikas on our forehead. You learn to socialize these defects and if you package it nicely enough, society accepts it as a “character” or “quirk”. Anyway, that point is moot because there is no yardstick as to what a healthy mind is. There is no scale for Joy.

In my case, the slight defect was insecurity, the feeling that I am just not good enough. A lot of people have it. Some yield and suffer it silently.  Some, like me, express the “conquest” of it by over compensating. Strange because it was only a tiny feeling we developed unconsciously when we were little children that became mighty enough to steer an entire lifetime of decision. Major decisions. ( It’s a bit like a ship’s insignificant rudder that one doesn’t see because it is beneath the water, that steers an entire ship 10,000 times the rudder's size). That tiny seedling sprouted an entire arsenal of defense mechanisms namely Anger (isn’t Attack one of the more subtle and effective forms of Defense?), and also Denial of facts disguised as Will Power, which is so celebrated in the corporate world, and Ego-Centricity which of course goes very nicely with self-centricity or Selfishness. 

So, do I blame a less than perfect childhood, a condition that I probably share with over 6 Billion people around the world? I would love to stick the blame to some unfortunate childhood incident. But the truth is, no one has a perfect life.  Not when they are young and even less when they become adults.  Incidentally, isn’t it strange how our ability to effectively control our lives is inversely proportionate to the number of instruments we work so hard to acquire in order to control our lives, e.g. wealth, decision making ability, knowledge etc. When we were kids, most days ended up being happy ones. These days, we settle for a neutral day. Aren’t we supposed to be able to control our lives a bit more now? Anyway I digress. 

Like I said, no one has a perfect childhood but it was always up to us, whether we let a sad situation go or hang on to it like a carcass until its rot, rots us. Right from the time I refused to let go of the pain, every decision and every move, conscious and unconscious I made was to avert that pain and the threat of more pain like that.  I twisted, forged, cut, shaped, pummeled, squashed and walloped every aspect of my life into a shape that didn’t make me feel insecure.  So desperate to avoid pain, so desperate to be loved, that i put myself and others into such agony. Looking at it again now, that remains the single most abusive thing I have done to myself and those around me for all these years. Along the way I was loved not for those qualities i forced myself unto. I was loved for the very qualities that made me feel exposed, my softness, my vulnerability.

I was the Man In The Iron Mask, too ashamed of his own face and yet crying out silently to be loved for who he really is, ironically a reality i did not want to accept. It was sick.

What a shame. Come to think of it, I could have averted all that pain by just letting go of pain, way back then.

In the Lamrim, it states very clearly that the first quality a student of a Guru must have is an open mind.  We must be open to the possibility that we have been thinking wrongly. Open to the suggestion that we have got everything inside-out and upside-down.  Open to change and transformation. Open to idea that we got the concept of Happiness wrong.

If I had realized this 1 year ago and made the necessary adjustments, I can quite safely bet that I would have been a lot happier now. After all the battle victories, the spoils of war, the celebrations and parties, the accolades, I have concluded in no uncertain terms that there are only 2 things in the entire world that could have provided me with sustained long term happiness. I had the both in hand. Had. I just didn’t know then, that they were all I needed to be insanely happy and contented.

How can I trust myself after that?

One Wish

This post has been moved to:

http://imprints.com.my/2011/12/28/one-wish/

Your Name Is My Mantra.

Ballad For SM
 

 You say you have no wisdom, yet it’s your gentle hand that unfolds
mine-bid me to release ignorance.
You say you are not rich, yet it’s your cup that pours three
endless streams into mine, yours not yet empty
You say you are not strong¸ and yet it is you who carry me on
your back, when worldly legs betray me

I hardly get to hold you, and yet by your devotion, you
ensure the Dharma holds on to me
I hardly have quietness with you, yet by your merits you
command the tempest in me to hush and abide
I hardly get to talk to you, yet the mantras you whisper in
my ears, speak sweetly to me all day long
I hardly get to see you, and yet I see more of my true self
by the honest Love that is You.

I look for you, but you never left my side.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The poem above was written on April 4th 2011, for Smingle who single-handedly changed my life with her love even as I destroyed hers with my wickedness, delusions and lies. So that her love is not wasted, I shall give up the world and try to be simply a good human being.

There is nothing more precious and delicate than honest love. Thank you Smingle.Your name is my mantra which I shall whisper in my thoughts each minute until my life ends. It is the mantra that will take me home.

When We Are Nailed To Our Cross

Buddhist practitioners are essentially very kind and forgiving people. And they tend to make excuses on your behalf for when things go awry in your life. Some make you feel better by calling the tragedies in your life as “purifications”. That almost gives it a ring of martyrdom. ..or similar. How nice. Others may attribute the cause to you, yourself but are kind enough to apportion the sin, the fault, and the wickedness to an abominable act you did in a “previous” life. And that infers, you are ok in this life.

The basic truth is this: often we are nailed nicely to a cross we have to bear simply because we have been nasty, greedy and self serving in THIS life…and the Effect just caught up. Karma very plain and simply caught up. You don’t have to be caught out for karma to catch up. Karma was ahead of you, the very moment you thought of the misdeed.

If I have been living my life in a non-virtuous fashion,
there are only 2 things I can do. One, be in denial of Karma and blame everything and everyone else for all that is going wrong and at each step, conjure up sly and devious tactics to escape. Or Two, face up to it, take it on the chin and thank the compassionate Buddha that you are working out your karmic salvation before it comes back in spades and with interest.

Dharma and a non virtuous life cannot co-exist and if we find that for all the effort we put into dharma we are producing meager fruits, then you can be sure that the tree is rotten inside. If dharma is really that precious to us, we need to be rid of our deceitful ways. That means to face up to every single mistake and wickedness in our lives. It may feel like death, and indeed we must be dead to the old self to come alive in the Dharma.

Either that, or it’s living a lie and death forever more. It’s
a nice thought to think that a Mahassidha or "God" may come again to absorb our sins. But mainly we will die purely because of our own sins. Death doesn’t kill us. Our misdeeds do.

When terrible things happen to good people, it may be karma or purification. When terrible things happen to BAD people…it is an OPPORTUNITY to redeem.

For all of us who dare call ourselves students of the Buddha's teachings, students of our Guru, there will come a time when we have to decide conclusively and without a doubt: either the Buddha is right or He is not. If He is, then we have to adjust our thoughts and live our lives accordingly no matter how painful the transition is. 

If I should find myself being purged of my evil ways whilst having people who care for me, around and about me...that is true blessings.

If I should lose all of my dear friends and loved ones as I am purged and punished, then I shall move on and dedicate all my virtuous acts to them out of love, out of gratitude. I shall meet them again, maybe not in this lifetime, but for sure.

Be Lamps Unto Yourselves

"Be lamp unto yourselves" the Buddha said. And so, it is not when we bask in the warm sunshine of our lives, when we should examine the truth of our dharma. It should be in the deepest and darkest hours of our lives when we must light the lamp of Truth and examine the dharma therein.

Everyone can be extremely gracious, benevolent, generous and kind when the going is good. It is when the chips are down and we are forced into the dark depths of our minds, by a collapsing world...it is THEN, that we should examine the quality of our dharma. And what do we see? Do we see Dharma projected out into our own shape and form? Do we see Dharma personified as a person (who looks suspiciously like ourselves) performing all the virtuous acts and deeds that we remember ourselves doing?

That is not Dharma because, although i am no expert, i am certain that true Dharma has no need for a reflection of itself to admire. It needs no reminder of its own virtuous deeds, nor does it require recognition. That is an impostor..and standing behind it, in the shadow is our true frightened little Self, that forces itsef ahead everytime things don't go right. Dharma and the Self cannot coexist. Either we subject ourselves totally to what we have been taught and claim to practice, or otherwise kid ourselves and hide behind demons with names like Reasons, Excuses and Alibis.

It would be a tragedy to our spiritual growth to think we actually are what we have not even begun to understand.

I for one, may have done a few good things which resemble dharma, but the dharma is not yet a permanent resident in me. The Self has to go.



The truth of the Dharma



The truth of the dharma is a magical solvent that seeps into every fibre of our being, and seeks to test what it is that holds the bricks of our lives together. If what keeps us intact is unwholesome, the mere exposure to dharma, even a waif of the Guru's words will begin to dissolve whatever binds our wicked lives together. Our world unravels. We feel crushed and frightened. Only in that state, do we realise the compassion of the Buddha who gives us refuge in the sea of our own destruction.

Rest

Rest in natural great peace,

This exhausted mind,

Beaten helplessly by karma and neurotic thoughts,

Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves,

In the infinite ocean of Samsara

~Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche

For a long time now I would wake up angry. Well, usually I quickly decide to be angry before my immediate "poor-me-I'm-in-depression" disposition kicks in. So, angry is marginally better. Well...maybe. The thing is, of late I cannot quite recall what I am supposed to be angry at.

It used to be a specific person(s) who denied me my projections of a perfect world. Or an event that did not contribute to my monopoly over happiness. Whatever it was that made me unhappy, it was most certainly extramural. It had to be.  Be it someone or something, as long as it is apart from me because chasing closely behind this "anger" really is the knowledge that I have completely cocked up my life for the last 20 years, and I was scared of reality and the the sense of dread that succeeds this reality. You know what they say, that attack is sometimes the best form of defence? I took it to a new art form.

From 1988, since a particular incident which knocked me out of my own orbit (which I shall not discuss presently), my life has been a frankenstein of parts - ideals and brilliance spun and sewn closely together with delusions, failures and lies...all made to come alive with constant charges of charm and wit. The parts I didn't own, i took anyway. Oh, it was exhausting to keep up with the image I created of myself.



What a pity...because come to think of it, I was ok without all those extra bits which made me more a carcass than I was man. What a waste of the real potential.

Whereas ordinary men would wake up and just function naturally, I being less than the sum of my parts, had to awaken each part daily, and summon all to work cohesively, beating to life that which no longer had anymore life, and tediously deflecting light with the broken shards and fragments of borrowed mirrors to create the appearance of an illuminated mind.  It was so exhausting. What a strange thing to have done for so long.

I see that in a lot of people today. Those who like me, are glory seekers for whatevers reasons. Probably insecurity, possibly greed. Those trapped behind the cuirass of illusions they bolted onto themselves. Each day, you wake up depressed or angry. You loved twilight, you love the rain...because your anguished mind feels safer in the partiall darkness.

What can you do to regain yourself? I can't prescribe the remedy for everyone but for me, it was to rest. Just rest. Try it. Go deeply into that part of you which is real and untouched. Go as far back as you need to because at some point in the past, we were innocent minds and desire was yet unripened. We all still have it. It is there which the Christians say the Holy Spirit dwells. Practitioners of Buddhism call it our "Buddha nature"...our true nature, in fact. Our afflicted state gives us an advantage...we see it quicker - it is that part of us that we miss so dearly everyday we are not ourself. We know it is already. Our true potential. Ours to realize, ours to regain. 

Once there, you have nothing to do but rest and let all that is not you peel off and fall away. Those parts which is not you naturally cannot sustain and will die off unless you breathe life into them daily. Rest your exhausted mind and let the neurotic thoughts fade into nothingness. If you feel some pain as you should, then look forward to the relief that comes soon after. Very much like finally removing that rotten tooth. Relief comes quickly after.

You will loose friends. Some real and mostly not. The real ones go away because they feel cheated and you seem foreign to them. They may come back because what they liked about you to begin with,  was never the frankenstein bits. That is the real friends. The not-real-ones... well, thats the bad blood that goes along with removing the decay. No need to lament the loss.

Rest in the natural great peace...and take refuge in the Truth.

10 Lessons To Learn Before Dying

1. Just because you have no intention of hurting anyone doesn’t mean you have not mortally wounded someone. Lack of intention does not excuse lack of care;

2. When you harm yourself, you harm those who have wrapped themselves over you…in order to protect you.

3. Often it’s not about who is right and who is wrong. It is better to be happy than to be right;

4. There may be 6.8 Billion people in your world but only the actions of 1 means anything;

5. Your worst mistakes can be your most harsh punisher or your kindest teacher…you decide. Either way, it’s before you;

6. If you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot love yourself. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anything;

7. When something or someone hurts you very badly, grieve and grieve and grieve again…and then stop grieving and move on. Don’t hold on to dead things;

8. Freedom is only found in simplicity. Complications beget complications. That goes for food, people, lifestyle and shoes;

9. Stress disappears the moment you DECIDE;

10. When there’s truly nothing to live for, is when your true purpose manifests itself.