Surprised By Karma

There is a cosmic phenomenon expressed in phrase as “one’s karma ripening”. Loosely defined it usually means that the seeds of our actions of the past [lives] now mature into effects which is now irreversible.

I must have planted fields of gigantic karmic seeds in the past because a couple of months ago, they blossomed into a series of events and circumstances that swallowed my life. And I mean swallowed literally, not figuratively. Almost overnight I lost friends, I lost money, I lost reputation, I lost favour, I lost acceptance, I lost court cases, I lost jobs and assignments, I lost respect, I lost my liberty and  I lost the love of my life - the only person I ever wanted to marry. With no exaggeration, I lost everything that defined me as the human being and the person that I was up to that point.  Overnight, there was no where I could go, no one I could call and no place that I could safely regard as a home. I literally did not know where and how the next meal was going to materialize.

What happened? The simple answer: Karma happened and even as you read this, your mind may be able to register what I have just said to some degree but if you are like I was, you probably cannot perceive Karma as a real and tangible thing. I couldn't before, and that was why it was never a the guiding core of all my actions and decisions.You know it is there but you don’t EXPECT it. And it is not really "real".

And so, when things happen to us, we fail to recognize it as the workings of our own karma and we react in complete surprise.

What happened to me was not “bad luck” I was not hexed. I was not hard done by. Pure and simple, my karma ripened and all the nasty negative things I did in the past came home to roost and brought friends and relatives as well.

Anyway, my world imploded.  From that point, the days rolled by so reluctantly, and it seemed like each minute lingered on just to mock me and I was well on my way to losing my mind and my will to live. I may have tried to kill myself but for the sheer lack of means. I might have driven over a cliff except for the fact that I didn’t have a car and I doubted very much that my regular taxi- guy would have cooperated in the scheme, using his cab.

Days rolled into weeks and each moment I woke up I would re-live the ordeal and the pain and then my mind would draw a blank for the remaining hours till I fell asleep again out of sheer exhaustion of not being able to figure out what had happened and what was to be done next.

But it was not all bad. You see, by the time my own self-tailored-hell started, I had previously spent a whole year within the merit field of a compassionate Guru, a Boddhisattva. And all that i gained and learned in that one year, became my allies.

You see, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have sat in teachings after teachings of a real and caring Bodhisattva and not have gained some benefits from it even if we weren’t aware of the full potency of the teachings. His voice itself does something to us.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to have participated in Dharma activities created by a Bodhisattva and not have gained some merits from it even if we didn’t participate out of pure altruism. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have read the holy words of the Buddha and not derive a lot of good from it even if we didn’t fully understand what we read.  IMPOSSIBLE! Just like it is impossible to be a fish and not get wet, impossible to be up in the green mountains and not breathe fresh air, even if the fish cannot tell sea from land, and our lungs cannot distinguish clean air from foul air.

And so the one year spent with the Guru became my life raft. I didn’t earn it. Nor did i deserve it.My only qualification was that I turned up to those teachings and events. It was all due to the Guru's immense compassion.

In the deepest and darkest depth of human despair, and with nowhere to go with everything having been annihilated, I look to the only thing left standing. The teachings of the past one year and they began to resonate. Ultimately, the only relevant questions was: “ What have you REALLY lost, my friend”?

One year in pre-school, six in primary, five in secondary school, one year of college and five years in a university. Countless trainings and self- improvement courses followed.  Then, almost 25 years running the rat race and acquiring hard-earned experiences and skills….and what did I learn? What did I accomplish? What did I own that was so precious and was now lost? Nothing!

Over the years, all I managed to do was build a life based on delusions. A life based on "wanting" and "desiring". Desire was my religion. In fact I should have created an offering prayer about it. And it would go something like this…”and in the middle, the King of my Deluded Self, the Mighty Ego and surrounded by the Iron Fence of Razor-like-Pride. In the East is my own Fear of things that I don’t know, in the West is my personal thorny tree of Greed, in the North is my  aversion to undesired things expressed as my Supreme Anger…And here is the Self Cherishing Tree, and here is the uncultivated crops that you took from your neighbor…” and so on.

As I examined my life, i saw that from the very beginning I built a life based on delusions which became a prison that I didn’t know how to get out of. And that remained my lot for the last few decades.  As I examined myself from a very different perspective, I began to understand the source of my depression, my anger and my failures.

But the beauty of life is that every disaster carries with it, its own opportunity.

The ripening of my karma completely shattered the foundation on which I have made every decision in my life. They shattered the pillars that upheld my belief systems which in turn shaped my thoughts and actions. They tore up every ceiling in this house that have long blocked the light from coming in, and suddenly the shadows that long kept me company were no more.

The ripening of my karma forced me into situations I spent my entire life to avoid. All that I was too proud to face up on my own, confronted me instead. All that I was too scared to let go, was wrenched from my grasp. The toxic air that fueled the fires of my lies and delusions were snuffed out completely. The arteries that transmitted the poisonous blood was choked and then ripped out.  I had nowhere to hide. No fellow deluded mind to collude with. No mask to wear. Nothing.

I died and yet when I opened my eyes, I live. There is no need to hide anymore because all was out in the open. It hurt a lot but it didn’t kill me. No delusions to feed and no masks to wear nor is there a need for everyone has seen the real me. No fears to protect for they have fled.  No burden of failures to carry anymore.

 There was nothing left…except for me. All of me intact, minus the rest of me which I invented over the years. Finally I am free from the bondage of my fears, my unfulfilled dreams, my insecurities, my pains…and myself.

So many times in the past I have said “if only I had the benefit of hindsight” and “if I knew then what I know now”. Well, in truth I have that opportunity now. I have this rare chance to move forward using knowledge that I have always sensed but which never made it into my mind to act on.  Things I have learned from a loving Guru, which failed to run the full gauntlet of my unholy habituations.

This "freedom" would never have happened if had to done by my own hands. I was way too weak. And yet by some miracle it did happen. It felt like a painful baptism by fire but the beautiful part of any baptism is the rising again, whole.

I was robbed of a silly life and that has made this new journey now possible. Otherwise I would have died very soon under the weight of all the burdens that were on my shoulders.

I travel light these days which is good because there is so much catching up to do. I am by myself but I am never alone. Never. And these days, I let the lessons navigate.

Karma is real. It is tangible. Expect it. Look forward to it. Never again be surprised by it.