Your Name Is My Mantra.

Ballad For SM
 

 You say you have no wisdom, yet it’s your gentle hand that unfolds
mine-bid me to release ignorance.
You say you are not rich, yet it’s your cup that pours three
endless streams into mine, yours not yet empty
You say you are not strong¸ and yet it is you who carry me on
your back, when worldly legs betray me

I hardly get to hold you, and yet by your devotion, you
ensure the Dharma holds on to me
I hardly have quietness with you, yet by your merits you
command the tempest in me to hush and abide
I hardly get to talk to you, yet the mantras you whisper in
my ears, speak sweetly to me all day long
I hardly get to see you, and yet I see more of my true self
by the honest Love that is You.

I look for you, but you never left my side.

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The poem above was written on April 4th 2011, for Smingle who single-handedly changed my life with her love even as I destroyed hers with my wickedness, delusions and lies. So that her love is not wasted, I shall give up the world and try to be simply a good human being.

There is nothing more precious and delicate than honest love. Thank you Smingle.Your name is my mantra which I shall whisper in my thoughts each minute until my life ends. It is the mantra that will take me home.

When We Are Nailed To Our Cross

Buddhist practitioners are essentially very kind and forgiving people. And they tend to make excuses on your behalf for when things go awry in your life. Some make you feel better by calling the tragedies in your life as “purifications”. That almost gives it a ring of martyrdom. ..or similar. How nice. Others may attribute the cause to you, yourself but are kind enough to apportion the sin, the fault, and the wickedness to an abominable act you did in a “previous” life. And that infers, you are ok in this life.

The basic truth is this: often we are nailed nicely to a cross we have to bear simply because we have been nasty, greedy and self serving in THIS life…and the Effect just caught up. Karma very plain and simply caught up. You don’t have to be caught out for karma to catch up. Karma was ahead of you, the very moment you thought of the misdeed.

If I have been living my life in a non-virtuous fashion,
there are only 2 things I can do. One, be in denial of Karma and blame everything and everyone else for all that is going wrong and at each step, conjure up sly and devious tactics to escape. Or Two, face up to it, take it on the chin and thank the compassionate Buddha that you are working out your karmic salvation before it comes back in spades and with interest.

Dharma and a non virtuous life cannot co-exist and if we find that for all the effort we put into dharma we are producing meager fruits, then you can be sure that the tree is rotten inside. If dharma is really that precious to us, we need to be rid of our deceitful ways. That means to face up to every single mistake and wickedness in our lives. It may feel like death, and indeed we must be dead to the old self to come alive in the Dharma.

Either that, or it’s living a lie and death forever more. It’s
a nice thought to think that a Mahassidha or "God" may come again to absorb our sins. But mainly we will die purely because of our own sins. Death doesn’t kill us. Our misdeeds do.

When terrible things happen to good people, it may be karma or purification. When terrible things happen to BAD people…it is an OPPORTUNITY to redeem.

For all of us who dare call ourselves students of the Buddha's teachings, students of our Guru, there will come a time when we have to decide conclusively and without a doubt: either the Buddha is right or He is not. If He is, then we have to adjust our thoughts and live our lives accordingly no matter how painful the transition is. 

If I should find myself being purged of my evil ways whilst having people who care for me, around and about me...that is true blessings.

If I should lose all of my dear friends and loved ones as I am purged and punished, then I shall move on and dedicate all my virtuous acts to them out of love, out of gratitude. I shall meet them again, maybe not in this lifetime, but for sure.

Be Lamps Unto Yourselves

"Be lamp unto yourselves" the Buddha said. And so, it is not when we bask in the warm sunshine of our lives, when we should examine the truth of our dharma. It should be in the deepest and darkest hours of our lives when we must light the lamp of Truth and examine the dharma therein.

Everyone can be extremely gracious, benevolent, generous and kind when the going is good. It is when the chips are down and we are forced into the dark depths of our minds, by a collapsing world...it is THEN, that we should examine the quality of our dharma. And what do we see? Do we see Dharma projected out into our own shape and form? Do we see Dharma personified as a person (who looks suspiciously like ourselves) performing all the virtuous acts and deeds that we remember ourselves doing?

That is not Dharma because, although i am no expert, i am certain that true Dharma has no need for a reflection of itself to admire. It needs no reminder of its own virtuous deeds, nor does it require recognition. That is an impostor..and standing behind it, in the shadow is our true frightened little Self, that forces itsef ahead everytime things don't go right. Dharma and the Self cannot coexist. Either we subject ourselves totally to what we have been taught and claim to practice, or otherwise kid ourselves and hide behind demons with names like Reasons, Excuses and Alibis.

It would be a tragedy to our spiritual growth to think we actually are what we have not even begun to understand.

I for one, may have done a few good things which resemble dharma, but the dharma is not yet a permanent resident in me. The Self has to go.



The truth of the Dharma



The truth of the dharma is a magical solvent that seeps into every fibre of our being, and seeks to test what it is that holds the bricks of our lives together. If what keeps us intact is unwholesome, the mere exposure to dharma, even a waif of the Guru's words will begin to dissolve whatever binds our wicked lives together. Our world unravels. We feel crushed and frightened. Only in that state, do we realise the compassion of the Buddha who gives us refuge in the sea of our own destruction.

Rest

Rest in natural great peace,

This exhausted mind,

Beaten helplessly by karma and neurotic thoughts,

Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves,

In the infinite ocean of Samsara

~Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche

For a long time now I would wake up angry. Well, usually I quickly decide to be angry before my immediate "poor-me-I'm-in-depression" disposition kicks in. So, angry is marginally better. Well...maybe. The thing is, of late I cannot quite recall what I am supposed to be angry at.

It used to be a specific person(s) who denied me my projections of a perfect world. Or an event that did not contribute to my monopoly over happiness. Whatever it was that made me unhappy, it was most certainly extramural. It had to be.  Be it someone or something, as long as it is apart from me because chasing closely behind this "anger" really is the knowledge that I have completely cocked up my life for the last 20 years, and I was scared of reality and the the sense of dread that succeeds this reality. You know what they say, that attack is sometimes the best form of defence? I took it to a new art form.

From 1988, since a particular incident which knocked me out of my own orbit (which I shall not discuss presently), my life has been a frankenstein of parts - ideals and brilliance spun and sewn closely together with delusions, failures and lies...all made to come alive with constant charges of charm and wit. The parts I didn't own, i took anyway. Oh, it was exhausting to keep up with the image I created of myself.



What a pity...because come to think of it, I was ok without all those extra bits which made me more a carcass than I was man. What a waste of the real potential.

Whereas ordinary men would wake up and just function naturally, I being less than the sum of my parts, had to awaken each part daily, and summon all to work cohesively, beating to life that which no longer had anymore life, and tediously deflecting light with the broken shards and fragments of borrowed mirrors to create the appearance of an illuminated mind.  It was so exhausting. What a strange thing to have done for so long.

I see that in a lot of people today. Those who like me, are glory seekers for whatevers reasons. Probably insecurity, possibly greed. Those trapped behind the cuirass of illusions they bolted onto themselves. Each day, you wake up depressed or angry. You loved twilight, you love the rain...because your anguished mind feels safer in the partiall darkness.

What can you do to regain yourself? I can't prescribe the remedy for everyone but for me, it was to rest. Just rest. Try it. Go deeply into that part of you which is real and untouched. Go as far back as you need to because at some point in the past, we were innocent minds and desire was yet unripened. We all still have it. It is there which the Christians say the Holy Spirit dwells. Practitioners of Buddhism call it our "Buddha nature"...our true nature, in fact. Our afflicted state gives us an advantage...we see it quicker - it is that part of us that we miss so dearly everyday we are not ourself. We know it is already. Our true potential. Ours to realize, ours to regain. 

Once there, you have nothing to do but rest and let all that is not you peel off and fall away. Those parts which is not you naturally cannot sustain and will die off unless you breathe life into them daily. Rest your exhausted mind and let the neurotic thoughts fade into nothingness. If you feel some pain as you should, then look forward to the relief that comes soon after. Very much like finally removing that rotten tooth. Relief comes quickly after.

You will loose friends. Some real and mostly not. The real ones go away because they feel cheated and you seem foreign to them. They may come back because what they liked about you to begin with,  was never the frankenstein bits. That is the real friends. The not-real-ones... well, thats the bad blood that goes along with removing the decay. No need to lament the loss.

Rest in the natural great peace...and take refuge in the Truth.

10 Lessons To Learn Before Dying

1. Just because you have no intention of hurting anyone doesn’t mean you have not mortally wounded someone. Lack of intention does not excuse lack of care;

2. When you harm yourself, you harm those who have wrapped themselves over you…in order to protect you.

3. Often it’s not about who is right and who is wrong. It is better to be happy than to be right;

4. There may be 6.8 Billion people in your world but only the actions of 1 means anything;

5. Your worst mistakes can be your most harsh punisher or your kindest teacher…you decide. Either way, it’s before you;

6. If you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot love yourself. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anything;

7. When something or someone hurts you very badly, grieve and grieve and grieve again…and then stop grieving and move on. Don’t hold on to dead things;

8. Freedom is only found in simplicity. Complications beget complications. That goes for food, people, lifestyle and shoes;

9. Stress disappears the moment you DECIDE;

10. When there’s truly nothing to live for, is when your true purpose manifests itself.