Surprised By Karma

There is a cosmic phenomenon expressed in phrase as “one’s karma ripening”. Loosely defined it usually means that the seeds of our actions of the past [lives] now mature into effects which is now irreversible.

I must have planted fields of gigantic karmic seeds in the past because a couple of months ago, they blossomed into a series of events and circumstances that swallowed my life. And I mean swallowed literally, not figuratively. Almost overnight I lost friends, I lost money, I lost reputation, I lost favour, I lost acceptance, I lost court cases, I lost jobs and assignments, I lost respect, I lost my liberty and  I lost the love of my life - the only person I ever wanted to marry. With no exaggeration, I lost everything that defined me as the human being and the person that I was up to that point.  Overnight, there was no where I could go, no one I could call and no place that I could safely regard as a home. I literally did not know where and how the next meal was going to materialize.

What happened? The simple answer: Karma happened and even as you read this, your mind may be able to register what I have just said to some degree but if you are like I was, you probably cannot perceive Karma as a real and tangible thing. I couldn't before, and that was why it was never a the guiding core of all my actions and decisions.You know it is there but you don’t EXPECT it. And it is not really "real".

And so, when things happen to us, we fail to recognize it as the workings of our own karma and we react in complete surprise.

What happened to me was not “bad luck” I was not hexed. I was not hard done by. Pure and simple, my karma ripened and all the nasty negative things I did in the past came home to roost and brought friends and relatives as well.

Anyway, my world imploded.  From that point, the days rolled by so reluctantly, and it seemed like each minute lingered on just to mock me and I was well on my way to losing my mind and my will to live. I may have tried to kill myself but for the sheer lack of means. I might have driven over a cliff except for the fact that I didn’t have a car and I doubted very much that my regular taxi- guy would have cooperated in the scheme, using his cab.

Days rolled into weeks and each moment I woke up I would re-live the ordeal and the pain and then my mind would draw a blank for the remaining hours till I fell asleep again out of sheer exhaustion of not being able to figure out what had happened and what was to be done next.

But it was not all bad. You see, by the time my own self-tailored-hell started, I had previously spent a whole year within the merit field of a compassionate Guru, a Boddhisattva. And all that i gained and learned in that one year, became my allies.

You see, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have sat in teachings after teachings of a real and caring Bodhisattva and not have gained some benefits from it even if we weren’t aware of the full potency of the teachings. His voice itself does something to us.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to have participated in Dharma activities created by a Bodhisattva and not have gained some merits from it even if we didn’t participate out of pure altruism. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have read the holy words of the Buddha and not derive a lot of good from it even if we didn’t fully understand what we read.  IMPOSSIBLE! Just like it is impossible to be a fish and not get wet, impossible to be up in the green mountains and not breathe fresh air, even if the fish cannot tell sea from land, and our lungs cannot distinguish clean air from foul air.

And so the one year spent with the Guru became my life raft. I didn’t earn it. Nor did i deserve it.My only qualification was that I turned up to those teachings and events. It was all due to the Guru's immense compassion.

In the deepest and darkest depth of human despair, and with nowhere to go with everything having been annihilated, I look to the only thing left standing. The teachings of the past one year and they began to resonate. Ultimately, the only relevant questions was: “ What have you REALLY lost, my friend”?

One year in pre-school, six in primary, five in secondary school, one year of college and five years in a university. Countless trainings and self- improvement courses followed.  Then, almost 25 years running the rat race and acquiring hard-earned experiences and skills….and what did I learn? What did I accomplish? What did I own that was so precious and was now lost? Nothing!

Over the years, all I managed to do was build a life based on delusions. A life based on "wanting" and "desiring". Desire was my religion. In fact I should have created an offering prayer about it. And it would go something like this…”and in the middle, the King of my Deluded Self, the Mighty Ego and surrounded by the Iron Fence of Razor-like-Pride. In the East is my own Fear of things that I don’t know, in the West is my personal thorny tree of Greed, in the North is my  aversion to undesired things expressed as my Supreme Anger…And here is the Self Cherishing Tree, and here is the uncultivated crops that you took from your neighbor…” and so on.

As I examined my life, i saw that from the very beginning I built a life based on delusions which became a prison that I didn’t know how to get out of. And that remained my lot for the last few decades.  As I examined myself from a very different perspective, I began to understand the source of my depression, my anger and my failures.

But the beauty of life is that every disaster carries with it, its own opportunity.

The ripening of my karma completely shattered the foundation on which I have made every decision in my life. They shattered the pillars that upheld my belief systems which in turn shaped my thoughts and actions. They tore up every ceiling in this house that have long blocked the light from coming in, and suddenly the shadows that long kept me company were no more.

The ripening of my karma forced me into situations I spent my entire life to avoid. All that I was too proud to face up on my own, confronted me instead. All that I was too scared to let go, was wrenched from my grasp. The toxic air that fueled the fires of my lies and delusions were snuffed out completely. The arteries that transmitted the poisonous blood was choked and then ripped out.  I had nowhere to hide. No fellow deluded mind to collude with. No mask to wear. Nothing.

I died and yet when I opened my eyes, I live. There is no need to hide anymore because all was out in the open. It hurt a lot but it didn’t kill me. No delusions to feed and no masks to wear nor is there a need for everyone has seen the real me. No fears to protect for they have fled.  No burden of failures to carry anymore.

 There was nothing left…except for me. All of me intact, minus the rest of me which I invented over the years. Finally I am free from the bondage of my fears, my unfulfilled dreams, my insecurities, my pains…and myself.

So many times in the past I have said “if only I had the benefit of hindsight” and “if I knew then what I know now”. Well, in truth I have that opportunity now. I have this rare chance to move forward using knowledge that I have always sensed but which never made it into my mind to act on.  Things I have learned from a loving Guru, which failed to run the full gauntlet of my unholy habituations.

This "freedom" would never have happened if had to done by my own hands. I was way too weak. And yet by some miracle it did happen. It felt like a painful baptism by fire but the beautiful part of any baptism is the rising again, whole.

I was robbed of a silly life and that has made this new journey now possible. Otherwise I would have died very soon under the weight of all the burdens that were on my shoulders.

I travel light these days which is good because there is so much catching up to do. I am by myself but I am never alone. Never. And these days, I let the lessons navigate.

Karma is real. It is tangible. Expect it. Look forward to it. Never again be surprised by it.

Do You Mind?

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I sat before my notebook time and time again, and nothing came out.  There was a part of me that didn’t know “Me” and my mind anymore and there’s also a significant part of me that didn’t trust the way I have “thought” for so long.

It started with a simple question. Is my life anywhere near to the way I perceived it to be and wanted it to be 10 years or 20 years ago? For me, the answer is a flat ‘No’. In fact, it is the complete antithesis of what I had envisioned for myself.

For reasons that are beyond me now, I, like a lot of people thought that we own our mind. Do we really?  Or does our mind in fact own us and our body and faculties are merely instruments to execute the mind’s instructions.   I wouldn’t get into a taxi if I thought the driver was rash and heedless. No, I wouldn’t place my life in the hands of an irresponsible driver.

And yet, have I not placed my entire life into the hands of a very wild and uncontrolled mind. I don’t know about you, but my mind is full of defects.  That doesn’t mean I have a slow mind and that I am stupid. That would have been alright. A slow mind is slower to trip over the body over the precipice of self- delusion.  It’s worse if you have a rather quick mind that you do not have a handle on. 

You see, we have every skill, knowledge and instrument in the word to measure a person’s physical health but we do not have the slightest inkling as to how to size up the state of our mind’s health, especially when it is slightly defective. I emphasize slightly because in a lot of cases, these slight defects do not necessarily end up with us carving swastikas on our forehead. You learn to socialize these defects and if you package it nicely enough, society accepts it as a “character” or “quirk”. Anyway, that point is moot because there is no yardstick as to what a healthy mind is. There is no scale for Joy.

In my case, the slight defect was insecurity, the feeling that I am just not good enough. A lot of people have it. Some yield and suffer it silently.  Some, like me, express the “conquest” of it by over compensating. Strange because it was only a tiny feeling we developed unconsciously when we were little children that became mighty enough to steer an entire lifetime of decision. Major decisions. ( It’s a bit like a ship’s insignificant rudder that one doesn’t see because it is beneath the water, that steers an entire ship 10,000 times the rudder's size). That tiny seedling sprouted an entire arsenal of defense mechanisms namely Anger (isn’t Attack one of the more subtle and effective forms of Defense?), and also Denial of facts disguised as Will Power, which is so celebrated in the corporate world, and Ego-Centricity which of course goes very nicely with self-centricity or Selfishness. 

So, do I blame a less than perfect childhood, a condition that I probably share with over 6 Billion people around the world? I would love to stick the blame to some unfortunate childhood incident. But the truth is, no one has a perfect life.  Not when they are young and even less when they become adults.  Incidentally, isn’t it strange how our ability to effectively control our lives is inversely proportionate to the number of instruments we work so hard to acquire in order to control our lives, e.g. wealth, decision making ability, knowledge etc. When we were kids, most days ended up being happy ones. These days, we settle for a neutral day. Aren’t we supposed to be able to control our lives a bit more now? Anyway I digress. 

Like I said, no one has a perfect childhood but it was always up to us, whether we let a sad situation go or hang on to it like a carcass until its rot, rots us. Right from the time I refused to let go of the pain, every decision and every move, conscious and unconscious I made was to avert that pain and the threat of more pain like that.  I twisted, forged, cut, shaped, pummeled, squashed and walloped every aspect of my life into a shape that didn’t make me feel insecure.  So desperate to avoid pain, so desperate to be loved, that i put myself and others into such agony. Looking at it again now, that remains the single most abusive thing I have done to myself and those around me for all these years. Along the way I was loved not for those qualities i forced myself unto. I was loved for the very qualities that made me feel exposed, my softness, my vulnerability.

I was the Man In The Iron Mask, too ashamed of his own face and yet crying out silently to be loved for who he really is, ironically a reality i did not want to accept. It was sick.

What a shame. Come to think of it, I could have averted all that pain by just letting go of pain, way back then.

In the Lamrim, it states very clearly that the first quality a student of a Guru must have is an open mind.  We must be open to the possibility that we have been thinking wrongly. Open to the suggestion that we have got everything inside-out and upside-down.  Open to change and transformation. Open to idea that we got the concept of Happiness wrong.

If I had realized this 1 year ago and made the necessary adjustments, I can quite safely bet that I would have been a lot happier now. After all the battle victories, the spoils of war, the celebrations and parties, the accolades, I have concluded in no uncertain terms that there are only 2 things in the entire world that could have provided me with sustained long term happiness. I had the both in hand. Had. I just didn’t know then, that they were all I needed to be insanely happy and contented.

How can I trust myself after that?

One Wish

This post has been moved to:

http://imprints.com.my/2011/12/28/one-wish/

Your Name Is My Mantra.

Ballad For SM
 

 You say you have no wisdom, yet it’s your gentle hand that unfolds
mine-bid me to release ignorance.
You say you are not rich, yet it’s your cup that pours three
endless streams into mine, yours not yet empty
You say you are not strong¸ and yet it is you who carry me on
your back, when worldly legs betray me

I hardly get to hold you, and yet by your devotion, you
ensure the Dharma holds on to me
I hardly have quietness with you, yet by your merits you
command the tempest in me to hush and abide
I hardly get to talk to you, yet the mantras you whisper in
my ears, speak sweetly to me all day long
I hardly get to see you, and yet I see more of my true self
by the honest Love that is You.

I look for you, but you never left my side.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The poem above was written on April 4th 2011, for Smingle who single-handedly changed my life with her love even as I destroyed hers with my wickedness, delusions and lies. So that her love is not wasted, I shall give up the world and try to be simply a good human being.

There is nothing more precious and delicate than honest love. Thank you Smingle.Your name is my mantra which I shall whisper in my thoughts each minute until my life ends. It is the mantra that will take me home.

When We Are Nailed To Our Cross

Buddhist practitioners are essentially very kind and forgiving people. And they tend to make excuses on your behalf for when things go awry in your life. Some make you feel better by calling the tragedies in your life as “purifications”. That almost gives it a ring of martyrdom. ..or similar. How nice. Others may attribute the cause to you, yourself but are kind enough to apportion the sin, the fault, and the wickedness to an abominable act you did in a “previous” life. And that infers, you are ok in this life.

The basic truth is this: often we are nailed nicely to a cross we have to bear simply because we have been nasty, greedy and self serving in THIS life…and the Effect just caught up. Karma very plain and simply caught up. You don’t have to be caught out for karma to catch up. Karma was ahead of you, the very moment you thought of the misdeed.

If I have been living my life in a non-virtuous fashion,
there are only 2 things I can do. One, be in denial of Karma and blame everything and everyone else for all that is going wrong and at each step, conjure up sly and devious tactics to escape. Or Two, face up to it, take it on the chin and thank the compassionate Buddha that you are working out your karmic salvation before it comes back in spades and with interest.

Dharma and a non virtuous life cannot co-exist and if we find that for all the effort we put into dharma we are producing meager fruits, then you can be sure that the tree is rotten inside. If dharma is really that precious to us, we need to be rid of our deceitful ways. That means to face up to every single mistake and wickedness in our lives. It may feel like death, and indeed we must be dead to the old self to come alive in the Dharma.

Either that, or it’s living a lie and death forever more. It’s
a nice thought to think that a Mahassidha or "God" may come again to absorb our sins. But mainly we will die purely because of our own sins. Death doesn’t kill us. Our misdeeds do.

When terrible things happen to good people, it may be karma or purification. When terrible things happen to BAD people…it is an OPPORTUNITY to redeem.

For all of us who dare call ourselves students of the Buddha's teachings, students of our Guru, there will come a time when we have to decide conclusively and without a doubt: either the Buddha is right or He is not. If He is, then we have to adjust our thoughts and live our lives accordingly no matter how painful the transition is. 

If I should find myself being purged of my evil ways whilst having people who care for me, around and about me...that is true blessings.

If I should lose all of my dear friends and loved ones as I am purged and punished, then I shall move on and dedicate all my virtuous acts to them out of love, out of gratitude. I shall meet them again, maybe not in this lifetime, but for sure.

Be Lamps Unto Yourselves

"Be lamp unto yourselves" the Buddha said. And so, it is not when we bask in the warm sunshine of our lives, when we should examine the truth of our dharma. It should be in the deepest and darkest hours of our lives when we must light the lamp of Truth and examine the dharma therein.

Everyone can be extremely gracious, benevolent, generous and kind when the going is good. It is when the chips are down and we are forced into the dark depths of our minds, by a collapsing world...it is THEN, that we should examine the quality of our dharma. And what do we see? Do we see Dharma projected out into our own shape and form? Do we see Dharma personified as a person (who looks suspiciously like ourselves) performing all the virtuous acts and deeds that we remember ourselves doing?

That is not Dharma because, although i am no expert, i am certain that true Dharma has no need for a reflection of itself to admire. It needs no reminder of its own virtuous deeds, nor does it require recognition. That is an impostor..and standing behind it, in the shadow is our true frightened little Self, that forces itsef ahead everytime things don't go right. Dharma and the Self cannot coexist. Either we subject ourselves totally to what we have been taught and claim to practice, or otherwise kid ourselves and hide behind demons with names like Reasons, Excuses and Alibis.

It would be a tragedy to our spiritual growth to think we actually are what we have not even begun to understand.

I for one, may have done a few good things which resemble dharma, but the dharma is not yet a permanent resident in me. The Self has to go.



The truth of the Dharma



The truth of the dharma is a magical solvent that seeps into every fibre of our being, and seeks to test what it is that holds the bricks of our lives together. If what keeps us intact is unwholesome, the mere exposure to dharma, even a waif of the Guru's words will begin to dissolve whatever binds our wicked lives together. Our world unravels. We feel crushed and frightened. Only in that state, do we realise the compassion of the Buddha who gives us refuge in the sea of our own destruction.